Okay, dude, this is not worth it. This is sick.
Like, disgusting sick, not "sick" sick.
BOY 1: No, pull it together, man.
We can't keep letting Cooper get the better of us.
Look what he did to your hair. You look like a human whoopee cushion.
Now, hurry it up. The garbage truck is gonna be here in like 15 minutes.
Oh, man.
- Oh, this is gnarly. - Yes, that is definitely a keeper.
Yeah, imagine the look on the Coops' face when he opens his car
and all these guts spill out.
Dude, where do you think this is from?
- Mountain lion, probably. - Oh, yeah.
BOY 1: Ugh.
- What about this? - Cobra.
Gross.
Dude, what about this?
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(BOY 2 EXCLAIMING)
- BOY 1: Get out of here! - BOY 2: Go!
I'm never riding a bike again!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - Christine, is everything...
- Wow, wow. Okay. - What happened?
Look, I was teaching her how to ride a bike, okay?
And, you know, she was doing really great. She was a little wobbly at first.
And then, I just, kind of, let her go and then, bam! Hit the ground.
Booth, I don't want Christine riding a bicycle
until I can properly teach her about the physics.
What physics? What are you talking about? Huh?
"Physics." You get on, you fall off, you figure it out, you get back on.
"What physics?" Gyroscopic forces, acceleration due to gravity,
- friction... - Friction.
Don't you think that it's good to not know how something works?
I mean, come on, science takes the magic out of everything.
It's not magic to begin with.
It's just rules that govern the universe.
Next thing you know, you're gonna tell her that rainbows are...
Light refracted through water. She already knows that.
Of course she does.
Now that Christine's had some time to self soothe,
I'm going to go check in on her.
- (CELLPHONE CHIMES) - Oh.
Oh.
Yeah, all right. Well, I guess we're going to work
because there's a body found in a dumpster full of animal guts.
That's your territory.
It'll be fascinating to see how non-human viscera
affects the decomposition of a human corpse.
(SIGHS) There goes my appetite.
You'd think after 12 years you could handle a little viscera with your oatmeal.
FUENTES: Three dumpsters filled with entrails and fluid.
Aren't these bags not supposed to leak?
(FUENTES EXCLAIMING)
No, no, that would be the liver of a moose.
- FUENTES: Damn it! - HODGINS: Yeah.
Hey, good try, though, you know.
Maybe next time.
FUENTES: Yeah? You wanna take my place?
I would, but, unfortunately, they haven't, you know,
invented a specialized wheelchair for intestine diving. (CLICKS TONGUE)
- Dr. Hodgins. - Yeah.
Have you found time of death?
No, no. Not even close.
No, this pool of carcasses is like Christmas to carrion feeders.
You know, they hopped around.
So, it's close to impossible to figure out when or where they started.
FUENTES: Yes! I found a human humerus.
Part of one.
Well, based on the head diameter and cortical involution,
I'd say the victim is female, mid 40s.
Oh, my God. This is disgusting.
Do we have the skull?
Oh, hey, Rodolfo, you're gonna need to find the skull ASAP.
As we all know, skulls don't float. So...
(FUENTES WHIMPERS)
(GASPING)
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(GRUNTING AND COUGHING)
(SOFTLY) Angie, here. Techs found this for you at the scene.
(SCOFFS)
What? I'm having too much fun.
I hope you're still having fun when you're in hell.
(CHUCKLES)
Ten more minutes, okay?
(FUENTES GROANS)
I can smell it though my mask.
This is so disgusting.
- I'll give you five. - Yes.
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, what's that? Yes, I did fish every last bone out of the carcass pit.
Are you looking for praise for performing the most basic tasks?
I was just pointing it out.
Do we have any idea about the sock, I guess?
Yeah, it's made of chain mail.
It's the only article of clothing I found in the entire dumpster.
So, we're looking for some sort of knight.
Do knights play golf?
Look, take a look at the fracture to the hamulus.
It's called a golfer's fracture, I believe.
BRENNAN: Dr. Fuentes is correct.
This fracture is extremely common in golfers,
the result of years of stress on the wrist.
This body just keeps getting weirder by the second.
It gets even weirder.
On the victim's sinuses alone, I pulled out spores
from six species of tree from around the world,
including Dacrydium cupressinum, which only grows in New Zealand.
So, we're looking for a well-traveled knight
with a love for America's favorite pastime, golf.
Just a working theory.
AUBREY: You building a bike?
I wish. And this is how Bones wants me to teach Christine
- how to ride a bike. - Kind of ruins the fun.
BOOTH: Exactly, right?
- So, what do you have for me? - Yeah. So, Angela sent over
the victim's ID. Phyllis Paul, she was reported missing on Tuesday
by her live-in girlfriend, Nancy Albert.
Phyllis Paul, college golfer, competed professionally.
Yeah, but she never came close to winning a competition.
For the past 10 years she taught private golf lessons.
- I've sent you her website. - Thanks, Aubrey.
All right, well, I'll tell you what, let's bring her girlfriend in. We can talk to her.
"Trail equals wheel radius times cosine of head angle minus rake"?
- What is... - It's a disaster. It's a mess.
I know that this is difficult, Miss Albert,
but can you tell me the last time that you saw Phyllis?
Tuesday morning. She left for the second day of her competition
and she never came home that night.
Okay, she was in a golf tournament?
No, (CLEARS THROAT) lumberjacking.
Lumberjacking?
Right, okay.
And this was a hobby of Phyllis' or...
I wish it were just a hobby.
She'd found her calling as a lumberjill,
or whatever they're called.
Six months in these silly competitions and she'd won more titles
than 20 years of golfing.
I'm getting the sense that you were not a fan.
It was a waste of time.
Why? She was winning money.
I had more than enough for the both of us.
We were gonna retire together, travel,
take cooking classes.
Get married.
It must have upset you when she took her life in a new direction.
I'm sorry. If you are insinuating that I would ever hurt Phyllis,
then you're mistaken.
I've been in love with her since she gave me my very first golf lesson.
Any idea who might have wanted Phyllis dead?
Probably one of those lumberjackers.
Just last month they threw a golf club through our window.
How did you know it was a lumberjacker?
'Cause there was a note attached.
"Stick to golfing you..."
Well, I'd rather not say the word. You can read it yourself.
(INHALES SHARPLY) I gave it to the police.
(DEVICE TRILLS)
There's something you wanted to show me?
Sí, sí, sí. I found significant fracturing of the hyoid.
We will have to analyze it to determine if it indicates cause of death.
In addition, I was looking at the striae, where the victim was cut apart.
Now, the tool that was used
made this wave pattern.
BRENNAN: What do you make of it?
Well, at first, I wasn't sure,
but then I heard that the victim was a lumberjack.
So, I thought...
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(IN ENGLISH) Chainsaw.
Well, I concur. A chainsaw's teeth are J-shaped
and make this type of wavelike curve mark.
The victim was dismembered with a chainsaw,
and she was wearing those chain mail socks at the time of her death.
Which I learned are used for protecting a lumberjack
from a wild swing of the ax.
The victim was killed mid-competition.
So, someone is going to have to go to the lumberjacking contest.
- Booth and I will go, yeah. - Wait, Dr. Brennan.
If you'd like to spend a little more time in the lab,
I'm willing to go in your place.
Just a small sacrifice
for my favorite boss.
I sense that you are being disingenuous
and that you just want to go to the competition.
Okay, fine. Yes, I want to go.
But, come on, what guy wouldn't?
All men love chainsaws.
That is not a proven fact.
Yes, it is.
Greg, how do you feel about chainsaws?
- I love chainsaws. - Boom.
Wait, while Greg is an adequate security guard,
he is not a sufficient sample size
to extrapolate the preferences of an entire gender.
Booth and I are going to the competition.
Please clean and rearticulate the bones.
- Take pictures. - Oh, sure, I'll chatsnap it.
BRENNAN: This is quite impressive.
BOOTH: What? No, no, no. That's not impressive.
I think the word that you're looking for is "badass," all right?
This is a major sport.
Bones, it's huge. And let's face it, it's way more exciting than golf.
I imagine the muscle groups used to swing an ax
are the same as those used to swing a golfing stick.
Four years of playing golf and you're still calling it a golfing stick.
It's a stick used to golf. How is that not accurate?
My point is that both golfing and lumberjacking are just applied physics.
No. No, no, no.
You don't try to ruin this for me
like you're ruining bike riding for Christine.
But everything is mathematics.
Sports, architecture, comedy.
- Comedy is not math. - Yes, it is.
By vectoring the English language,
I can make a multitude of hilarious jokes.
- Please don't. - For example,
what did the math teacher say to the lumberjack?
- Don't care. - (CHUCKLES)
Make sure you use the correct logarithm.
It's all just simple geometry.
Tree, like a tree.
- 'Cause a log comes from a tree. - (CLEARS THROAT)
It's a play on words.
(CROWD CHEERING)
You know you got to turn up
To keep 'em begging for more, more, more
I said you gotta turn up
And put your hands where I can see them
You know you got to turn up
To keep 'em begging for more More, more, more, more, more, more
I set my soul on fire
(MAN ANNOUNCING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA SYSTEM)
If you want it baby, you can have it all
But then you better turn up
Every person I see is carrying at least six lethal implements.
Excuse me, are you in charge here?
Yeah, Dick Scarn.
FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth,
this here is my partner, Dr. Temperance Brennan.
Okay, how can I help you?
Well, I'm sorry to report that one of your lumberjills
- has been murdered. - Murdered? Who?
- Phyllis Paul. - Oh, well, too bad.
Would you mind if we ask you a few questions?
Well, they need me at the main stage but you can walk with me.
Okay.
What happened to your femur?
Ah, chainsaw snapped, I got boned.
- "Bone" is not a verb. - I got a bone.
What bone?
No, a bone is a hard piece of wood, Bones.
- Wait, who's Bones? - She's Bones.
- I'm Bones. - I thought she was Brennan.
Booth, this is exactly why you shouldn't call me Bones.
Right, because, you know what? This happens all the time.
When was the last time you saw Phyllis?
Tree climb on Tuesday, she was in that competition
and she hasn't showed up for anything since.
She was pretty good at these events, huh?
Oh, yeah. You kidding? When she came on the scene,
she outclassed the competition.
Anyone in particular that she dethroned?
Yeah, Helga Thisk.
Where can we find Helga?
(MAN ANNOUNCING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA SYSTEM)
Right over there.
MAN: (OVER PA SYSTEM) ...we got Helga Thisk. Go get em ', girl!
All right, thank you.
Bones, let's just wait, wait. Just wait until she puts down
that big chainsaw before we accuse her of murder. Okay?
(ALL CHEERING)
Okay, we can go now. Come on.
(EXHALES)
BOOTH: Okay.
Miss Thisk, can you please put that ax down?
You're sure Phyllis is dead?
BRENNAN: Yes, her body was dismembered and is currently decomposing.
Helga, I took a look at your competition history with Phyllis,
an outsider, coming in, taking over the top lumberjill spot.
That's gotta be tough for you.
- It's just a game, Agent Booth. - Come on, let's lose that,
"It's just a game," okay?
It's a lot of money to be made here, right?
It's tons of sponsors.
You would remove anyone who got in your way.
What? You think I killed Phyllis?
Why would I kill her?
We were training partners. She was giving me all her secrets.
- What secrets? - This math stuff that she'd use
to calculate each chop.
Like they do it in golf.
As they should do it in every athletic endeavor.
Measuring angles and diameters forever before she even took her first swing.
Helga, can you think of anyone who'd wanna hurt Phyllis?
Probably the crazy fans. They hated her.
They said she was making the sport dull with all her measuring.
- I don't blame 'em. - MAN: Helgie,
I've been looking everywhere for you.
I'm sorry, this is my husband, Ragnar.
Ragnar, these people are from the FBI.
Phyllis was murdered.
Wow.
I mean, I didn't take Phyllis for the getting murdered type.
- It's a shame. - You don't seem too upset.
No. I'll sail "yo-ho" for her later.
For now, we got a competition to think of.
We gotta head over to the stage for the Jack and Jill.
Whoa, wait a second, the two-man saw? Bones, we gotta see it. It's a fan favorite.
Booth, we're in the middle of a murder investigation.
And the fans are our possible suspects here, so,
what kind of detectives would we be if we didn't check out
the most popular event?
- HODGINS: Hey, how's it going up here? - (SIGHS)
The day started out well.
I analyzed the hyoid further.
Found fracturing on the greater cornua.
Which means that the cause of death was most likely strangulation.
- Nice. - No, no. Not nice.
I spend the last few hours scraping tiny pieces of solid matter
out of the bone that got lodged into the striae during dismemberment.
This is the slowest process.
I know it doesn't seem like a lot, but, hey, hey, hey,
this could actually help me determine where the victim was cut up.
Also, I analyzed the nine iron
that was thrown through the victim's window,
and I think I may have found traces of permethrin and piperonyl butoxide.
- Pesticides. - Professional grade.
We may be looking for an exterminator.
- CAM: How is it going up there? - (WHISPERS) Let's ask her.
Yeah, you go ahead and do that. I'm actually working on my own thing.
What? Is your own thing more important than chainsaws?
- I gotta go. - Dr. Hodgins.
- Dr. Hodgins. Dr. Saroyan. - Yes.
As you know, Dr. Brennan and I came to the conclusion that the victim
- was dismembered with a chainsaw. - Yes.
I have since learned that each competitor
at the Lumber Sports competition has his or her own unique chainsaw.
Therefore, I believe it is absolutely necessary to the case
to subpoena each chainsaw,
so that I may test them to match the resulting striations
to the striations on the victim's bones.
Thus, enabling me to determine
whose chainsaw was used to dismember the body.
So, you wanna play with chainsaws?
(SCOFFING) Play with chain...
No, I don't even like chainsaws.
No, believe me, if there is another way
to find the correct chainsaw, I'll do it.
Really? 'Cause I was actually gonna say I think testing chainsaws
is an excellent idea.
- Really? - But since you'd prefer to do it
- a different way... - No, no.
- Thank you. - Sure.
The Lumber Sports saved this sliced wood
from Monday's chainsaw competition.
And it's a real treat, they're even labeled with each competitor's name.
- Great. - So, why don't you compare
the striations on the bones to those on this wood?
- Good. - That way, you don't have to worry
about testing those chainsaws yourself.
- Mmm-hmm. - Since you didn't want to do it anyway.
Yay.
- Hey, Angie. - Hey, um...
I'm looking at this photo you just sent, but I'm so confused.
It's labeled "crime scene" but
we don't even know where this murder took place.
Yeah, that's because
it's from a different murder.
Not this case.
Oh, my God. Wait a second. I remember this.
This is from the lobbyist murder.
- The one that Zack committed. - Confessed to.
Not committed.
Are... Are you trying to prove that?
What can I do to help?
(COUGHS) Okay, I think I may have found a way
to prove that the killer wasn't Zack
based on the severity of the stabbing.
Here. See, look.
There's too much blood.
I mean, if Zack were to stab someone, which...
But still, he'd do it as cleanly as possible.
Yeah, I just don't know if this is enough to overturn a conviction.
It's a start.
Yeah, it is.
Can I show you something from the current case?
Yeah.
- What's up? - Okay.
So, when Helga said that fans hated Phyllis,
I went online and I found this.
HODGINS: "North East Lumber Sports Fans Are The Bombest Fans".
Well, this Jean Frong guy is really die hard.
Yeah, and he hated Phyllis.
He thought that she was ruining the sport. Check this out.
What's up everybody? Jean Frong in the house.
Right behind me here is Phyllis Paul.
She's measuring her log and like always, she's taking her sweet time.
Hey, hey, Phyllis! What's taking you so long?
Yeah, we're bored. Hurry up...
I gotta say, it is kind of boring.
CROWD: (CHANTING) Phyllis sucks, Phyllis sucks, Phyllis sucks...
JEAN: That's right. Hit her in the face.
Hit her in the face.
(LAUGHING)
ANGELA: I did some digging.
Jean works for his dad's extermination company.
Angie, I think you just found our nine iron thrower.
BOOTH: Look, Bones, if I were an 18-year-old punk, where would I be?
- Where the beer is. - Come on.
I was a teenager once, Booth.
And I observed that my peers enjoyed
the consumption of inexpensive alcohol.
Now, this is what I'm talking about. A good old-fashioned log roll.
BOYS: (CHANTING) Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug.
- BOY: Whoa! - Ah.
- BOOTH: Hey, excuse me... - That's two! Let's go.
Excuse me, Jean Frong, need a word with you over here, please.
- I'm 21, I swear! - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
(MAN GRUNTS)
Hey!
- I'm sorry. - Hey!
(GRUNTS)
Sorry.
BOOTH: Oh, come on. You gotta be kidding me.
- Will you get down now? - I'll stay up here all day.
- Well, he can't stay there forever. - Bones, we don't have enough time here.
- We don't, let's go. Relax. - Booth, Booth!
Stop, no.
A successful axmanship requires mathematic calculation.
First we find the radius of the log,
- and divide it by 1.25... - (CROWD BOOING)
- Come on. - Then we plot the angle of attack.
Take a step back. Enough is enough here with this.
(GRUNTING)
Okay, okay, okay. I'm coming down.
Just put that... Put it down.
See that, Bones? You don't need science to take care of this guy.
Let's go.
BRENNAN: Hi, Cam, what's up?
Hey, based on what Rodolfo found on the hyoid,
I examined the tissue around the victim's neck
and found hydrogenated triglycerides.
That's vegetable shortening. What was it doing around her neck?
The murder's hands must have been covered in it.
Well, the grease to person ratio at this event is exceptionally high.
But I'll do my best to keep an eye out for users of triglycerides.
Look, I think when Phyllis didn't listen to your request to stick to golf,
you decided to kick it up a couple notches.
What? No, I loved Phyllis.
Well, I don't intend to throw golfing sticks through the windows
of people that I love.
- Golf clubs, not sticks. - Same thing.
Yeah, okay. Maybe that was a little too crazy,
but I would... I would never kill Phyllis.
She was too much fun to have around.
Yeah, at first the whole measuring thing sucked,
(CHUCKLES) but then a bunch of us had started
going to her events just to yell at her.
That was a lot of fun.
The flapjack guy even sold special pancakes just to throw at her.
Cam said that the killer's hands were covered in shortening.
Jean, did the flapjack guy have anything against Phyllis?
(CHUCKLING) Yeah, they had a hilarious feud going on.
- What kind of feud? - Well, at first,
she said that his coffee tasted like dirt.
So, then he put a spider in her mug.
And that's when she let all the air out in his tires.
And that's when he started selling the fling-a-Flap-at-Phyllis special.
- I think we need to talk to him. - Okay, um, can I go now?
I have to pee really, really bad.
That's due to the fact that you consumed 24 ounces of beer.
Fluid is filling your bladder,
applying pressure to stretch receptors which signal your urethra...
Lady!
- You're not making this any easier for me. - (WATER RUNNING)
Does that help?
Oh, my God.
Family recipe. Passed down from Flap to Flap for generations.
So, I understand you had a bit of a feud going with Phyllis Paul.
- It wasn't that bad. - Really? I beg to differ.
It says here that after the pancake tossing,
Phyllis reported your truck to the health department.
That was just Phyllis being Phyllis.
She wasn't the nicest Jill at the jamboree.
But after a failed inspection, you had to buy a brand-new truck.
Planning on it. Yeah, it was time to retire that rusty old clunker anyway.
Listen, Jack, we found traces of vegetable shortening on Phyllis' neck.
- How do you explain that? - (SNICKERS)
"Vegetable shortening." What do you think I am?
I cook with butter that I make from scratch.
Really? I should have caught that. Hold on a second here.
You know, there's a complexity with the flavor?
No aftertaste. That's definitely butter.
Why am I getting a hint of a, like, a smoked meat?
Bits of bacon in the batter.
I cure it myself.
Adds a hint of umami, which balances out the sweetness.
That's beautiful.
It's a Flap family secret.
So, what about Phyllis? Anything strange going on with her lately?
Yeah, Phyllis kept to herself.
Brought her own healthy food in those little Tupperware containers.
- Yeah, I know the type. - JACK: Yeah.
In fact, last Tuesday is the first time I ever saw that gal eat a carbohydrate.
- Wait, did you say last Tuesday? - Yeah.
Still obnoxious as ever.
Jabbering away on the phone the whole time,
but, oh, boy, she made her way through a giant Jack stack
faster than I can flip a Flap.
Thanks, Jack.
Oh, can I take my giant Jack sack to go?
You better.
CAM: Dr. Fuentes,
have you found a wood slab that matches the striations?
Not yet.
I was looking at the hyoid and the surrounding area
to determine cause of death.
I found something interesting on the C4 vertebrae.
Crushing fracture on the anterior surface.
The fracturing is too extensive to have been caused by human hands.
Whatever implement was used
squished its way into the tissue of the neck
and made contact with the front of the vertebrae.
There's a substantial amount of muscle in the neck.
So, whatever implement was used must have been extremely strong.
My guess is a pliable metal.
But why would the murderer cover it in vegetable shortening?
Hey, so, I got something really interesting for you.
- What is it, Aubrey? - So the day that Phyllis died,
she ate pancakes.
Okay, you know what? I gotta go.
AUBREY: Wait, wait, wait. Booth, Booth, look.
You know that Phyllis was an intense competitor who ate clean, right?
Look, there's gotta be a reason
that Phyllis bought a stack of pancakes from a guy that she hated.
- My guess is she was stressed. - All right. Let's just think about it.
When an athlete gets stressed, you know, their scores, they go down.
What do you say we just go check out the tournament website
- and look at her scores? - That's good thinking.
Wait a second.
That doesn't add up. Well, she was winning,
but not as much as her past competitions.
You might be right. Phyllis was off.
Huh? Come on, I'm like a forensic foodologist.
(CELLPHONE BEEPS)
Hello?
Hey, Angie.
So, I just ran the solid matter that Rodolfo found
on the chainsaw striations through the mass spec.
Did it give you any indication of where Phyllis' body was dismembered?
Well, I found Aphanomyces laevis, Lasiodiplodia theobromae
and Phialocephala virens.
They're plant fungi.
But they feed on plants from completely different climates.
I'm talking like, where does a cactus grow next to a water lily?
In a plant nursery?
Oh. Yeah, right. Huh.
Sometimes I forget these things exist outside of nature.
Well, I can run a search for all the nurseries in the area
- of the lumberjack tournament. - Yeah.
By the way, I think I found something on the lobbyist's rib.
Didn't Brennan already analyze the lobbyist's bones?
- She missed something. - Brennan missed something?
- On a bone? - Inside one of the wound tracts
I found what could be the killer's microbial signature.
It's a combination of all the particles every human emits.
It can be used to distinguish between individuals.
Yeah, I've heard of that, but there are variables.
I don't think that's ever actually held up in court.
- First time for everything. - Yeah.
(COMPUTER TRILLS)
Okay, so, these are the nurseries
located within a 5-mile radius of the tournament.
It looks like they're all in a densely populated area.
Yeah, there's no way the killer could've dismembered the victim
with a chainsaw at any of these places without someone hearing.
Angie, what about any nurseries in the area that closed?
I mean, a bunch of untended plants,
that would have explained the amount of fungus I found.
- (COMPUTER TRILLING) - Yeah.
Bonnie's Garden.
Huh. It was closed a year ago.
And it's located a half mile from the tournament.
- (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER) - (SIREN WAILS)
There is blood here.
And a lot of it.
This is definitely where our victim was dismembered.
Yeah. Remote area, drainage. You know, it's pretty clever.
Guys, look.
This pot is singed along the rim.
CAM: Someone tried to burn the victim's clothing?
- Definitely. - And the other sock.
Wait a minute.
- What is this? - It's a flip line.
It's a steel cable that lumberjacks use
to scale the pole in the tree climb event.
Belonged to our victim.
You think this could be the murder weapon?
It definitely fits the parameters.
Hold on a second, I can tell you for sure. Can you hold that out?
Yup, lipids.
This flip line is covered in fat.
Hey, 10-to-1, it's vegetable shortening.
Well, if so, we've got our murder weapon.
Yes, king of the plant graveyard.
I still don't understand why you'd put shortening on a flip line.
Well, a slippery flip line would make it
nearly impossible to scale the pole.
So, it's sabotage.
That explains her lower scores.
But Phyllis was still winning.
So, maybe this saboteur just got impatient and killed her instead.
No, no, no, Bones, what are you doing?
Proving to you that lumberjacking is physics.
Look, I'm sure it is. But I told you I don't want to know.
Don't you wanna know how the world functions?
You know what, Bones? Some things in life,
they need to be a mystery. Like the Internet, why planes fly,
- farts... - Transfer protocol,
manipulation of air pressure,
- vibrations of the anal... - Don't need to know that right now, okay?
(BOOTH MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY)
- Silly. - Hi, Cam. Go ahead.
I found epithelial cells on the flip line.
So, I ran the DNA and got a hit from the Maryland Volunteer Firemen Database.
- Who is it? - Ragnar Thisk.
- Well... - Helga's husband.
Looks like the husband wanted to get a leg up for the wife.
Tell you what, hey!
You up for another visit to the lumberjack show?
Huh?
And we're not taking these.
Sabotaging Phyllis? Never. This sport is about community.
Well, come on, there's lots of sponsors.
- There's a lot of money at risk. - And you were the loser.
This women is not a loser.
BRENNAN: Well, I'm merely stating a fact.
She lost, ergo she is a loser.
Ragnar, you're very protective of your wife there.
I bet you would do anything to see her win.
Maybe even commit murder?
No!
Then why did we find your DNA on Phyllis' flip line,
the implement used to murder her?
Okay, I greased the flip line.
I was trying to sabotage Phyllis,
- but I didn't kill her, okay? - Rag, how could you do that?
I could see how hard you were working.
All those late nights spent practicing with Phyllis?
- Ragnar, please. - RAGNAR: Sometimes you didn't even
- get home till morning. - Come on, now.
- I wasn't working that hard. - Oh, don't be humble.
What about all those weekend lumberjacking trips
you and Phyllis were always going on?
She'd come home completely wiped.
Phyllis' training must have really tuckered her out.
Mr. Thisk, can you please step outside?
Thank you.
(CHAINSAW REVS IN DISTANCE)
(SOBBING) Okay, Phyllis and I were sleeping together.
We were gonna leave Nancy and Ragnar and get married.
We even got fitted for rings last week.
(CRYING) And now she's gone.
- There, there. - What does "there, there" mean?
"It's okay." It's supposed to comfort her.
- Maybe try the bear. - Let's give her some time, please?
- Do you want a bear? - Stop.
- Give her the bear. - Helga, please.
- Hey, what's up? - I need you to swab something for me.
I've been looking at the striations on the bone.
I found kerf marks on the right femur.
Now, they appear to have been made by an ax,
and they were made prior to the chainsaw damage.
Wait a minute. You think someone attempted
to chop up the body with an ax first?
Exactly. But if a lumberjack took a swing on the bone,
he or she would have been strong enough to do more damage than this.
In addition, none of the slabs of wood that Cam gave us match the striations.
So if we're not looking for a lumberjack...
We're not looking for a lumberjack's chainsaw.
The killer could've used any make or model of chainsaw in the world.
How will we ever figure out which one it is?
(CHAINSAWS REVVING)
BOTH: It was his idea.
Look, I don't care whose idea this was.
Someone tell me what's going on.
FUENTES: Okay.
I'll explain, I guess.
Based on a multitude of evidence, Hodgins and I came to the conclusion
that the killer is not a lumberjack.
So, we're not looking for a lumberjack's chainsaw.
We're looking for a regular consumer chainsaw.
So, we're testing all of them.
And what exactly is the plan here?
Look, Cam, if we can find the make and model of the chainsaw that was used,
we may be able to match it to a chainsaw
owned by one of the remaining non-lumberjack suspects.
Unfortunately, there is a small grain of intelligence in that theory.
So, we can keep going?
Just get it over with.
Yeah!
(GIGGLES)
So, it looks like Phyllis' girlfriend, Nancy, is our prime suspect.
I mean, she definitely had motive.
And the force profile indicates that the killer is not a lumberjack.
Well, Aubrey, you know, went and checked out her house.
No one was there. And he's also checking out the country club.
BRENNAN: Booth, is that...
You can't hide from me, you lumber slut!
- Nancy! Nancy Albert, hold on. - Whoa!
Easy, okay.
(GRUNTS)
- BRENNAN: Oh! - Wow! Okay, look at that, huh?
Talk about a good Seth Joyner take down.
All right, that's it. Turn around. Let's go.
Let's go. Hate to tell you, but you are under arrest.
Up.
Nancy, I hear you've got quite the temper.
I'm sorry, wouldn't you if you just found out
your girlfriend was in love with someone else?
Might lead someone to murder.
I didn't kill her.
I just found out about it this morning.
- This morning from whom? - I got a call from our jeweler.
He asked if the ring fit. I never received any ring.
How do you know that Phyllis wasn't planning on
giving you a ring before she died?
He said she'd had it resized to a nine.
I'm a five and a half.
It was obviously meant for that ogre.
So, you knew about Helga?
I suspected, yeah. But this just confirmed it.
You don't buy a four-karat diamond for a friend.
(WHISTLES) Four karats. That's a very expensive ring.
You know if Helga actually got it?
Well, good luck finding it, if she did.
Probably looks like a speck of dust
on those sausage fingers of hers.
Don't hurt yourself, again.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(CHAINSAW REVVING)
Hey, Hodgins, these striations still don't match.
Why are you yelling?
Just grab another saw.
Well, I'm gonna test this one for a third time, just to be sure.
- Okay. - (ALARM BLARING)
- Whoa! - HODGINS: Oh, sorry!
Sorry!
No worries, no worries. All good.
It was getting a little loud in here, so, I rigged this up,
so that I'd actually be able to know when the mass spec was finished.
- Ah, genius! - Right?
All right, let's see what we've got here.
So, looks like we do have the results from the particulates in the ax wound.
Okay.
Glucose, sucrose, sodium nitrate, lipids...
Hold on a second.
This all looks like a combination of sugar syrup and pig fat.
- Why would you have sugar on an ax? - Yeah.
That's more like a kitchen implement.
Hey, Jack Flap told Aubrey he cures his own bacon.
A meat cleaver would create a marking
with a similar profile to that of an ax head.
Let's clean up, check the bones again.
- Yeah. - Okay?
Goodbye, preciousa. (KISSES)
AUBREY: So, I'm holding Nancy but
I just don't think she'd have it in her to dismember Phyllis' body.
So, I looked into our one suspect with a money motive.
Jack Flap is about to default on a $30,000 loan
that he took out to pay for that new truck.
Paid it off two days ago.
Okay, so, he sold off the ring. He used that money to pay off the loan.
If not, that would be one giant Jack stack of a coincidence.
FUENTES: These marks could just as easily be from a meat cleaver.
HODGINS: Yeah, but anyone with a kitchen could have a meat cleaver.
Oh. Wait a second. What is this?
HODGINS: What is it?
A scratch on the posterior surface of the femur.
Considering the width, it seems to be from a chainsaw,
- but it's so faint. - Could it be a hesitation mark?
Chainsaws are so powerful, even just by touching the bone,
it would cause more damage than this.
Well, all the more reason to get back to those chainsaws.
- Hmm. - If we figure out what type was used,
this injury might actually make sense.
The scratch on the femur is confounding.
- (CHAINSAWS RATTLING IN DISTANCE) - The width and the unique damage pattern
indicate that it was made with a chainsaw,
but a tool with that much power would've caused more damage.
Okay, let's see if we can find a scenario that works.
(BEEPING)
Okay, what if the killer only lightly touched the bone with the chainsaw?
(PROCESSING)
No, a moving chainsaw creates an incision
that's deeper than the one we found.
What if the chainsaw wasn't on?
Okay.
No, the mark on the femur indicates that the chain was moving.
So, it's not from a chainsaw that was on,
and it's not from a chainsaw that was off.
But we know it's from a chainsaw.
Hopefully, that's the last time I say "chainsaw" today.
Well, the chain was moving but the saw was off.
It's almost as if the chain wrapped itself
around the circumference of the bone.
FUENTES: Hey!
- Stop it now, I said. Stop it! - Let me see.
- Stop it! No! - Let me see.
No, don't touch it because then everybody can... Ugh!
- Oh, my God. Is everything okay? - I'm fine. (CHUCKLES) Everything is fine.
- Okay, can you move your toes? - Uh-huh!
- Good. Now I can kill you. - What... (LAUGHS) For what?
For this little scratch?
- What happened? - He was testing that saw
- and then hit a hard spot. - Ah!
- A bone of sorts. - Yes, anyway, the chain snapped,
it whipped around the log and then it clipped him.
- Ouch. - No, no, no. No "ouch."
No! I mean, (SIGHS) barely even hurt.
- This is it. - This is what?
This must be what happened to the victim's femur.
The scratch Rodolfo found
was from a chainsaw chain.
It snapped off the holder and therefore wasn't going fast enough
to penetrate the bone.
- So, if the chainsaw snapped... - Then the killer must have
a similar injury to Rodolfo.
(CHUCKLES) It's not an injury.
- Good work, Dr. Fuentes. - Anytime.
Okay, well, I'm gonna look for hospital records.
(GROANS)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
- I didn't do anything. - No,
you just stole Phyllis' diamond ring so you could pay off your loan.
Right? But she caught you.
And in doing so, you killed her.
And you still sold it off.
- You can't prove that. - But we can prove that
you chopped up her body.
Why did you check in to the emergency room last Tuesday night?
I...
Cut myself with a kitchen knife. Had to get a few stitches.
Your shin is a strange place to cut yourself with a kitchen knife.
Who said it was on my...
Checked out your hospital records.
I wouldn't describe 22 stitches as a few.
That cut is from a chainsaw,
almost certainly from the one you used
to dismember Phyllis' body.
Her lab is tearing apart your truck right now,
it's only a matter of time before we find Phyllis' DNA.
So, why don't you come clean?
We were joking around, doing stupid pranks, and she took it too far.
She took my truck. The truck was all I had.
Okay, so, you sold off her engagement ring
to get back at her?
I heard her gabbing on her phone to her jeweler.
I just knew if I could get that ring,
it was my chance to pay off my debt.
- She owed me. - But Phyllis caught you.
She was gonna turn me into the cops, after everything she'd done.
I'm not sorry.
Without my truck,
my life was over anyway.
- Cam, you got a minute? - Of course.
So, I wanted to wait till the case was over to tell you.
I found proof that Zack didn't kill the lobbyist.
Okay, I'm not gonna ask when you found time to do this.
But what did you find?
I was looking at the lobbyist's rib...
Well, I was with Dr. Brennan when she analyzed that.
- She found nothing. - Within one of the stab wounds,
I found the microbial signature of the killer,
and it is not a match for Zack.
But the chances of a microbial signature
surviving this long are infinitesimal.
Yeah, it had anthrax in it.
Which is the only bacteria that can survive this long.
That's very fortunate.
Right? Can you believe that luck?
I'm trying to.
Wow. This is conclusive.
And yet, you don't seem excited.
Well, I'm
just a little worried that this is too good to be true.
You think I planted evidence?
Look, we all know that Zack is innocent
and that it's not fair that he's locked up.
So, I can understand why
doing something like that might be tempting.
CAM: I'm...
I'm sorry, but I can't look at evidence that may have been tampered with.
Then toss it.
The radius is 8.24 inches.
Okay, let's go, Bones. Let's hurry it up here.
We've been standing here waiting for you to do your stuff
- for, like, 20 minutes. - Important to be thorough.
Booth, what is the temperature of the water, in degrees Celsius?
- (SIGHS) Cold? - Cold, freezing cold. Let's go.
Let's do this. Okay? We're ready. Come on.
- Put the stuff down. - Okay, do both husband and wife
understand the terms of the agreement?
Oh, yes. The winner gets to teach Christine
how to ride the bike their way.
Which will be me because I've just spent the last two days
learning the physics of this sport.
I've been spending the last two days enjoying the sport, huh?
Your hair looks beautiful today, I must say.
(LAUGHS) It's gonna look that much better when it gets all wet.
Well, I hope your lack of scientific strategy
- results in you losing. - (SIGHS)
We'll work on that trash talking later, okay?
- Are the competitors ready? - Ready!
- Ready. - On your mark,
get set, roll!
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
All right, look at that, huh?
(LAUGHS)
Whoa. What are you doing?
Lowering the surface friction.
- Oh, really? Lower this. - Oh!
Ineffective, I control the torque.
You don't control the torque now, huh?
Jumping is not a traditional move in this sport.
Yeah, it's not. You didn't study that one, huh?
You didn't, huh? Kind of caught you off guard.
My strategy can accommodate that.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
(SPLASHING)
(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)